Carrie Dawn
http://www.ritualabuse.net/

Founder of
More Than Conquerors Online Forums
( MTC Online Forums).

Carrie Dawn can be reached at
cd@ritualabuse.net
Her website
Ritual Abuse
Table of Contents
Carrie Dawn's blog:
More about us:
Reaccessing
Deprogramming
Fail Safes Blog:
Update 10 - 12- 2002
 
Disclaimer: I do not profess to be an expert on Mind Control for Deprogramming. My writings below are simply to share what has worked for my system and are for informational purposes only. All content is property of Carrie Dawn etal and MTC Online Forums. Nothing here can be reproduced with out expressed permission of Carrie Dawn or MTC Online Forums. Expect all content to be triggering! Use caution and safe support for yourself if you are survivor of SRA or RA. Please keep yourself safe!

What in heaven's name is a blog you ask?:
I was hoping someone would ask me that! Eventually, my entire journey and story will be published on my website as well as on the Mind Control Forum.

Here I hope to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences, resources found on the web, ideas, with other survivors, their families, and interested parties.

December 30th, 2001
My hope in writing this is to share some of the ideas and techniques we have used to remove programming or fail safes this past 6 months. This past year has brought me many challenges as a person & survivor of Satanic Ritual Abuse. Over the years of managing a large online network for survivors I have heard many stories, shared the pain of many survivors,found some of the most profoundly gifted & courageous people I will ever meet. Through the many years I have spent online many people have heard me talk about parts of my story or whatever issue I was facing in my own personal life.

Today, I am on the verge of retiring as the executive director of MTC. I will always be a part of the operation of MTC. At this time I am training others to take over our groups as managers of MTC. MTC will always be maintained by survivors for survivors. Recent events of the past year have shown me that I need to take more time for my own recovery. This past year has been full of great pain for us as well as many victories. We intend to continue maintaining MTC's web sites as well as remaining a distant consultant for those who are stepping up to continue the work we once started. At some point, when MTC became too large to manage alone I somehow lost the one to one contact I was privileged to share with many wonderful people on a daily basis. Our volunteer staff provide the one to one contact so deeply needed in providing the type of support our forums have to offer.

But often I am saddened at how distant I truly am from so many I have known for several years. I have often struggled with a phenomena I believe other managers & list moderators face from other organizations. When you are a survivor who manages a large organization of forums and support groups, people have certain expectations of you. As a moderator/manager other people expect me to always have my act together and to be the comforter, not the one who needs comforting. I find it frustrating that people often times look up to me so much that they forget I am a survivor too. This is why I started MTC, because I saw the huge void other SRA/RA/MC survivors faced. Nine years ago there weren't many places to go online or off to find support from other survivors of SRA/RA/MC. Back then, I desperately needed such a place and no place existed. At least not one that I could afford to join. Isn't it odd how often people will create for others the very thing they need themselves? I have found it so hard to write on our own forums due to people always expecting me to be the supportive person) that I have joined other online forum groups to find support for my own life issues. My hope is that by sharing within this blog that I can find a way to share the real "mes" with each of you.

More about us:
For those who don't know much about us we would like to share briefly about who we are. We are a formerly poly-fragmented system originally who numbered in the high hundreds with 5 separate systems. With years of ongoing therapy & healing we no longer have 5 systems. Our current system is comprised of over 70 people who have been around the longest. Most of whom are the strongest parts of us. We do have littles & middles (child & teen insiders)who now interact in the real world with direct supervision and only when safe people are around us.

The body was born in Los Angeles, California to our parents who are members of a multi-generational coven. My mother was a breeder. My legal father was a leader for the coven. We say legal father because genetic testing has proven that the father we were raised with is not our biological father. Another much more prominent man has genetic ties to me though I am not at liberty at this point in time to name names. My parents & the coven planned from birth to train me as a high priestess & breeder. Between the ages of 10-16 the body was pregnant 6 times. We carried at least two sets of twins. There are some questions about a third set but no one trusts our recollections enough to state this as fact.

Our abuse consisted of deprivation & daily conditioning from birth. We were kept in stark rooms or in a cellar pit (depending on age) during the day for conditioning. My own mother had a daily ritual she performed on us in order to continue the conditioning. During the day we would receive no comfort, caring, warmth, or concern. At night, our parents or other coven members would spend considerable amounts of time caring for us in preparation for that night's training session or ritual. I won't get into specific details at this point, but those who are survivors of SRA know what these kinds of sessions entail. By the age of 5 we were being used in child pornography & prostitution. Every act perpetrated upon us included some form of severe sexual abuse.

There are many messages the coven instilled in us. The most basic and probably the most debilitating programmed message is that we aren't real or don't exist. Every act they performed on us taught us not only that we were evil but that we weren't real. We have spent countless years trying to undue the concept in our head that we are more than just an object that someone owns.

Other types of conditioning involved teaching us to not show caring for others or to allow others to care for us accept when the leaders directed. There were some very prominent people involved in this specific geographical location. We learned to please men at a very early age. Our very life depended on performing & maintaining composure as we performed. Even today we find it hard to accept gifts or to give gifts to others.We also have often struggled from accepting love or kindness from others because to do so always signified to us that someone was going to get hurt.

Locations: Our abuse predominantly occurred in Southern California, Northern Nevada, Central California (San Francisco & the Bay area), San Diego, Northern California, and Oregon. We have memories from other states & locations but most of our abuse was situated on the west coast. Some locations include underground tunnels under a Catholic church attached to a school for the deaf & blind that once had an orphanage on location. We also have memories of rituals committed under Disneyland and on top of the mountain at Lake Arrowhead. In part of our growing up years we attended McMartin Preschool in Manhattan Beach, CA., which is two cities over from where I was raised. We did not attend the preschool when the trials occurred. The trials occurred well after our attendance at the school.

We haven't heard many survivors talk about barges. One tactic our specific group utilizes for conditioning and punishment is the use of barges on the ocean or a lake. The barges are wired contraptions that can hold 3-4 children. The children are left in the barge floating on water and left fully exposed to the elements. Such barges are created specifically to completely break the spirit of the child. In our case, we learned to cope with these atrocities by fading into the colors of nature around us. Even today we find solitude on water with colors from sunsets or sunrises. In our system you will hear of the term: "Carrie's Blue". The color of Carrie's blue is a shade of blue found both in the Pacific Ocean at sunset and in the sky just before the sun light is completely gone. This color is the color we chose to "fade" into as a child in order to place "ourselves" some where else in order to escape the horrible reality of where we actually were.

There is much more to our story, but we want to keep this fairly brief if that is at all possible. We are writing our story on our own web site and will try to post parts of it with each Ezine issue we publish. We have witnessed sacrifices of babies, children & adults. We have been used in pornography & prostitution. We have lived through numerous programming sessions where drugs were used to instill programming. We have performed on some limited basis as high priestess. We never finished training as a high priestess. At the age of 16 we tried to expose our mother and have the state place us in a safe home.

Our mother (we often refer to her as the egg donor) manipulated the system and had us locked up in a mental hospital. We spent months strapped down because we tried to break free. At the age of 17 (nearly 18) we fled the state of California. At the time we were pregnant (by our own choice this time) and fled to the Pacific Northwest.

We are also a birth mother. We have had three children by choice. A daughter born in 1982 & a son born in 1984 that were placed for adoption and raised together by the same family with an semi open adoption. (We discovered as an adult that due to the magnitude of the deprivation caused by our abuse and the issues we had to face that being a mother wasn't in the best interest of our children). Then we got married. (We didn't know at the time that the marriage was arranged or that we were programmed to marry this person) We had a son from that marriage. We parented well for 4 years when to our horror we discovered our husband was a twice convicted pedophile, who had also been sexually abusing our own son. We fought hard to protect our son and prosecuted our husband. We placed our son up for adoption in an open adoption with a wonderful couple. We were the main catalyst for putting our husband in prison.

We have been in recovery since 1979. Our official journey in facing my multiplicity & SRA history began in 1987. We were fortunate in my early years of SRA recovery to work with excellent therapists highly trained in handling dissociative conditions. Those therapists gave my system(s) a solid foundation in which to draw from for further recovery, establishment of functioning, and stability. Like other survivors we worked very hard to learn about each other. We mapped, journaled, painted, drew, created collages, audio taped & video taped for hundreds of hours. We learned how to communicate with each other, how to cooperate with each other, and how to keep the body safe during rough times such as ritual days.

Over time, we all learned how to take more of our power back. We began replacing tough memories and days with positive and new experiences. Birthdays are the toughest days of the year for most survivors. For us they are no exception. Many years ago we learned how to create what we call an "un day". An un day is a fun filled day where we do nothing but fun stuff,such as going to movies, out to eat, to the park, spending the day with friends, having an indoor picnic, playing games etc...Our insiders have learned that our perps had taken away the real meaning of holidays and that we could take our power back by changing the memories of those days by replacing the memories with good and fun things. We have been through years of therapy, most of it good. We have known some pretty unethical therapists as well. We have been criticized for not having been in therapy from late 1996 to 1998 we could find no qualified therapist. We just couldn't handle having to train yet another therapist in DID or SRA/RA subjects.We also couldn't afford the well trained ones living on SSI/SSDI and living in a small town. Eventually, we tried to go back to therapy in 1998 but mostly to deal with functioning issues and to get away from an abusive roommate. We think one of our greatest frustrations as a survivor and the head of a resource is how much trouble many survivors have in trying to find safe and qualified therapists to work with. Not to mention ones we can afford to work with!

After many years of therapy our life had progressed into something pretty stable. We had to still with the day to day issues as a survivor. You know the kinds of things we mean...how to create healthy boundaries, how to meet your own emotional needs, how to get along in the world and function. Of course, as survivors we miss most of these life skills due to the level of deprivation we experience as children from our abuse. As an adult we have worked the past several years dealing with day to day issues of learning the life skills we should have learned as a child. Our life wasn't perfect but it was pretty calm with no big ups or downs. At least until 2001 hit... Current events: Here we are at the end of the year 2001 and when I look back I wish I knew then what I know now! We started the year with being talked online and off. Our ex-husband has been stalking us. He has caught us on multiple occasions and tried to reaccess us. He has also succeeded in raping us. We had moved to the East Coast and had become very close to a couple of people.

None of us had any idea that this year was a very heavily scheduled call back year or that we were being totally triggered and even controlled to return to our family. We didn't return and so this angered our ex and our family. So, our ex decided to pursue us and to sabotage anything we tried to do to take care of ourselves. With his reaccessing we kept faltering and alters would sabotage where we were trying to live. I can not begin to tell everyone reading this how overwhelming and terrifying it is to think your life is your own only to find out you still have some strong programming to deal with and no one to help you deal with it.

This year has been our darkest hour.....

We have nearly faced death repeatedly in 2001 from attempts on our life from our ex-husband to nearly dying after an accident to dealing with health problems.We have experienced many losses this year but in retrospect this year will go down in our memories as the most victorious year in our lives.

Our ex-husband had incredible control over the people in our inside world.He knows how to call out the most fragile parts of us to control & manipulate them. This is how he gained access to us at the beginning of the year. Messages began appearing online in February.At the time we thought the messages were from some outside source. Later we would discover that the messages were directly from my ex. We had made plans to move to the East coast to help out friends of ours. Those who know us personally know our reasons for moving. Our Ex succeeded in controlling some fragile insiders & sabotaging our living relationship on the East Coast and we headed back west. During this time we constantly battled with suicide programming, call back programming, and self destruct programming. On one occasion we overdosed because of the suicide programming. Protectors inside saved us. On another occasion attempts were made to total our car,which in the end did succeed in demolishing our Toyota Camry that carried everything we owned in it. My family loved the fact we needed them, so they sent us money to "return home".

From May to August our ex gained access to us repeatedly. Our body sustained repeated rapes by him and men he knew. In June we discovered we were pregnant. (Result of the rapes) On top of everything we had to try and deal with a pregnancy and at the time we didn't even know where we were going to live.

We didn't know it then but our ex had intentions of trying to regain custody of our son and to get us pregnant so we could give him and the coven another child.

Two very precious people forgave all the sabotaging & pain we had caused them prior to leaving the East Coast. My friends didn't know what DID was, much less understand programming or SRA. We returned to the East Coast and that is when everything for us began to change. Over a two month period before we returned to the East Coast, we spent considerable amounts of time trying to educate our friends about DID & SRA. We returned to the East coast in August. Two days after we arrived we had a miscarriage & D&C. Despite the fact that the pregnancy was unplanned and the result of a rape, there was tremendous sadness in losing the baby. Life is a precious miracle and though we didn't want to be a parent we would have found loving parents for the life we had been carrying.

In all of our years of recovery & working with survivors online I have heard about wonderful people who literally adopt survivors and help them to break free from cults & covens. We have never imagined that we would find such people ourselves. Many survivors are aware that therapists can only take us so far in our recoveries. Many of us as survivors have many steps to our journeys. I believe there are certain people destined to cross our paths to help lift us up to healing & peace. In our lives this happened for us this year.

It all started very innocently. After returning to the East Coast, my inside people began to get to know my two friends Angela & Joseph . Not long after we returned to New England, my friend Angela asked us if there was a way she could help prevent our ex from being able to call out our younger or more fragile parts. We had learned some years ago in therapy that passwords could be used with alters given by suggestion to prevent people from having power to control the system. We told Angela how to place a command via suggestion with any alter under the age of 18. Our protectors had Angela lay us down with our head in her lap. She then placed the suggestion that no one under the age of 18 would be able to be called out unless a certain word was given by her or her husband Joseph. We then tested the command out by having Angela try to call out one of my teen inside people. The alter would not come out. Then Angela tried using her new password and the 17 year old teen insider came out quickly.This would become the beginning of Angela working one on one with my alters to protect them. An incident occurred that opened up an opportunity for us to teach Angela what programming is. A survivor I had stayed with in the Midwest who was aiding our ex in reaccessing us telephoned with some bogus reason to call and gave some phrase that when repeated to us set off major call back programming. This was Angela's first introduction to what a code command is and how it can set off all types of problems.We began teaching Angela how words, phrases, numbers, sounds, pictures, objects...etc can set off programming. Before the week was done after this incident occurred Angela learned to check our incoming snail mail, e-mail, phone calls etc to make sure nothing would set off programming in us.

For the first time in our lives we had two people who loved and cared about us. Great lengths were taken by these two people.They reactivated the alarm in their home so that no one could get in or out without Angela or Joseph knowing.

Over the past several months we have rarely left the house. If we do it is only when Angela or Joseph accompany us. This has kept us fairly safe.But a great deal of programming needed to be dealt with that my ex had planted when he reaccessed us in May, June, July. Angela continued to diligently work with my inside people to find ways to protect us. No one has worked as hard. Angela was able to help us because she worked hand in hand with our protectors inside. The first month she dealt directly with old programming that my mother & ex had instilled in us in the 1980's. We faced multiple call back programs, self destruct/suicide programming, and clones/duplicate images of my mother and ex that had been planted inside. Angela used very creative means to help remove this type of programming. In some cases she had to physically battle with the cloned images of my Egg Donor (mother) as well as the copies of my ex. In the end she succeeded in removing everything planted from those time periods.

Types of programming:

Rule of thumb:
We learned that anytime you remove something from the system such as programming or a clone that a fail safe ( one or more ) will always follow. Examples of fail safes include:

Angela has continued to work with us. Over the past 5 months we have had marathon sessions that went on for 12-16 hours. Her own husband has had to hold our body down to keep us from hitting his wife. I am happy to say that things have calmed down considerably now and no one has tried to run out the door anymore. The burglar alarm is a great deterrent for preventing alters from running because a siren goes off if any of the windows or doors are opened. It is very loud and the entire neighborhood hears it. I can't tell you how many times Angela has chased us down the street in the early morning hours. We had times when she has spent literally hours driving up and down the streets trying to find us, and we would hide from her in the bushes. She has had to remove every knife from the house to keep us from slitting our own throat. In fact on a couple of occasions she has had to fight us for a knife some programmed part had in their hands held up to our own throat. Angela and I/us have found some great ways to keep the body safe. We installed an ear shrieking door alarm on our bedroom door so that Angela would know if we had left the room at night. We have used the same alarm to call Angela when we were in trouble and needed her. Locks have been installed on all bedroom windows so no one would jump. Whatever it has taken to save us, keep us alive, or to keep us from running Angela has gone to any lengths to do it.

People might ask why we didn't just sign ourselves into a hospital unit. The reason is that my family would use that as an opportunity to gain control of us through conservatorship or Guardianship. They have used this tactic before and are even now threatening us with it. People might also ask why Angela didn't just call the police in some instances. The reason is because we know that at least one man on the police force in our area is a coven member whom we have been programmed to report to. So the police department isn't safe.

My hope is that survivors will find some hope by reading our experiences.This has been a very difficult time for us. At the same time it has been a triumphant time. We are now a firm believer that there comes a point in recovery when survivors have to begin to find more answers from within themselves. Therapists can only take us so far in recovery and even the early work they do with us was learned at some point from other survivors. If, by our sharing our story we can help one survivor to realize they might not actually be free and could be fooled into thinking they are, then we have succeeded in helping someone and that means our story has a purpose.

We thought we had progressed quite far in our recovery. We didn't think that anything could set off programming or call backs. My hope is that survivors who have been in recovery for some time and are at a place where they feel fairly immune to coven or perp influences will search with in themselves to ascertain if their reality is accurate. If we could be fooled into complacency to believe we were program free, then certainly this could happen to other survivors. We will continue to write more about our experiences in other issues of MTC's E-zine.

We eventually hope to create an environment where people can come and talk to us or ask questions. We know what it is like to be alone with no one to talk to and we desire to be available to others when they need it just as we need it. We wish every survivor love, hope, faith, peace, and joy for 2002.

Carrie Dawn etal
© 2002 Carrie Dawn

 


October 10, 2002 - Update from Carrie Dawn

Greetings everyone,
My account on the MCF has become rather outdated. Since the last time we wrote our life has continued to change and evolve for the better. We have continued to live with the loving people who have kept us alive over the past 15 months. Angela has made even further strides in assisting us with deprogramming and safety.

Perpetrators have tried repeatedly to frighten us into giving up. Many attempts have been made over the past 10 months to reaccess us. At all times we have been with someone safe who has intervened and remained a steadfast witness for us. Last May, during the time the body has its birthday, something happened that we believe was geared to frighten us either into silence or to return to the coven/brotherhood. We received notification by e-mail that our ex-husband is dead. The story given us is that he died by Morphine overdose. Anyone who knew him, knew the likelihood of this occurring is next to nil. We believe firmly that he was killed for failure to capture us and bring us back to the coven as he was dictated to do. I/We were so shocked by the news that I didn't even believe it was true. Took a great deal of investigation to make sure it was real. To my horror and in some ways relief I confirmed that he is in fact dead!

I often receive e-mails by individuals who would like to scare me into closing MTC and MCF down. Take this as my eternal notification folks. I am not closing anything down! If I didn't want to maintain our sites or list servs I would hand them over to trusted individuals. As long as one survivor or victim needs the information or support MTC provides I will remain in some capacity connected to MTC and the MCF. Heart is even stronger than I. No one can scare her into taking the MCF down. Anyone who attempts to scare me in the future will find their e-mail and threats broadcasted to local and federal authorities. I am not going to tolerate harassment by anyone. I never have and I never will.

Lately, survivors online have been writing me asking me if its ok to contact me personally. I want everyone to know you are welcome to contact me directly at cd@ritualabuse.net. I am more than happy to interact with people. However, if you have experienced sophisticated electronic harassment or similar torment, please understand I am not knowledgeable about such issues. My background is as a victim of Multi-Generational Satanic Ritual Abuse connected to the Illuminati. While my programming is intense and some what complicated I don't have experience with the technology that many on the MCF have reported being harassed by. I can answer questions related to SRA, RA, the Illuminati, Masonic abuse, DID, etc...but we/I feel ill equipped to handle anything more complex than that. If you want to know something about MK-Ultra, Monarch programming etc, while I may have some articles and information I am not as knowledgeable in these areas as other individuals. The MCF is an phenomenal source for such topics. Please utilize the information you can find here.

I want to thank everyone who has written me with well wishes and support. We deeply appreciate your support and are delighted to interact with fellow survivors.

My best to all of you,
Carrie Dawn