UNTITLED.doc

“UNTITLED... as is God’s plan for me”

(By: Donna M. Cannain

Farris)

I dedicate this Book to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Jesus has

never left my side and I love Him for helping me to get through the

last 20 years while in the battle of my li

fe. I thank Jesus from my

heart for my Sons: Nathaniel Joseph, Matthew Allan, and Donovan

Michael.

“UNTITLED”

(.. as is God’s plan for me)

Prologue

It was earlier today that I felt this nagging feeling, this nagging drive, that I had

to star

t writing this book and hope that at least one person reads it. The problem

with this is I was never going to write my story myself, I’ve been planning all

along to sell my story or have someone write it for me, until earlier today when I

got that feeling

, something telling me that I ‘have’ to write it, I ‘need’ to tell it, I

‘want’ to be the one to share my story with others and as many people as who

will read it, because now I understand why another can’t just write ‘my’ story;

unless you have been ther

e, unless you have fully accepted God into your life,

and unless you have witnessed what God can do in your life, then there’s no

other person to write this story, my story,

His

story but ‘me’ because I ‘have’

been there, I ‘have’ fully accepted God into m

y life, I ‘have’ and I ‘am’ witnessing

what God ‘can’ and ‘does’ do for me and I ‘want’ to tell everyone.

Now that I know that I’m meant to write this, I need to come up with a ‘title’ for

it because as we all know when writing in Microsoft Words Documen

ts, you

need a ‘title’ to save it under, but I was struggling with what the ‘title’ of my

story should be. I have had a few ideas that I’ve run through my head, but none

really seemed to say exactly what I wanted. Then, right before I was about to sit

wn to start writing this today, it came to me what the ‘title’ of my life has been,

my life has been God’s plan and His Will, never at all what I thought it would be

or wanted it to be so I can’t put my own ‘title’ on this, this has all been God’s

plan for

me, and it’s ‘untitled’ because God isn’t finished in my life yet.

Now, what I’m about to write, what you are about to read, may be too graphic

for some people to handle, so make your decision now if you want to continue

on and if you want to know the T

ruth. I’m writing about what I’ve been through,

what I’ve suffered, the life I used to call a ‘nightmare’, and I can’t ‘sugarcoat’ it

for anyone because it surely wasn’t ‘sugarcoated’ for me. For 20 years, I suffered

intense pain and agony in more ways t

han one and I had many times of

hopelessness and doubts, but to me, this nightmare that I have suffered was

worth every single day of it just to be able to sit here today to share with all of

you all what God has given to me and share that God never left m

y side. So no, I

won’t be ‘sugarcoating’ anything that has happened in my life, I want all to read,

and see, and literally feel inside down to your own bones, the agony that I’ve

been put through, feel the pain that I’ve suffered, and feel my heartache fo

yourselves. Then, you will all see the truth for yourselves, nothing will be

‘sugarcoated’ (not the pain nor the truth of how powerful God is), and all of you

will truly see for yourselves the miracles from God and you will all be able to see

how the pa

in was worth it. God has a plan for each and every one of us, and if

me suffering through such evil agony was part of the plan God has for my life,

then it was worth every single day and I would do it all again. I’m closer to God

today than I’ve ever bee

n and I thank God for picking me to go through this

‘nightmare’ because I’ve learned so much and I’ve grown even closer to my Lord,

my God. I do believe it’s true, that God only chooses those to go through such

nightmares that God already knows is strong

enough to handle because God has

faith in us, we just need to learn to have faith in God. After what I’ve survived

and after what I’ve been through, God is truly the greatest and only reason as to

why I’m alive today to be able to share my story,

His

stor

y, with the world today,

20 years later...

Chapter 1

When I was a child, I was the typical child with religious parents that ‘make’ you

go to Church, but I believe I was around 8 years old when I knew I ‘wanted’ to

go to Church. My parents had me baptized

before I turned 9, and I’m not sure if

you have been baptized or not and fully put your heart into it and into all of

those wondrous feelings running through you at that moment, but at age 8, I

swear I felt God’s presence all around me and inside me. We m

oved again to

another home, which of course, meant we were changing Churches again, but

this time wherever we moved too, which I can’t tell you where at all because I

have no memory of it, but what I do remember for sure is that we no longer went

to a Chur

ch ‘together’. My parents then moved us again, but this time, we

moved to Riddle Street in Manchester, New Hampshire. I was very happy to

live on this street because at first, our parents were shipping my brothers and I

off on a Church School Bus for Chi

ldren’s Sunday School with Church Service to

follow, which of course, I was very happy to go too and then our parents would

show up at the end of Service to pick us up. I don’t know why they didn’t attend

with us other than the occasional Easter holidays,

but I was happy anyways

because I was going. Then the bus stopped coming and my parents stopped

bringing us or sending us to any Church. I missed it, I really can’t tell you all of

the people I knew at these Churches but I can tell you that I missed goi

ng to

Church until one day when I was riding with my Mother and I saw the Church

that was 3 blocks away. I asked and my Mother gave me permission to walk the

streets to the Church. Maybe 3 blocks doesn’t mean anything to walk to an

Adult, but for a 9 or

10 year old child it was a distance, especially in the winter

time, but I never minded the walk and looked forward to it because I was going

to Church. I knew what it was that I missed and the walk it took to get there was

worth it because I missed that f

eeling you have when you have God with you.

Everytime I was in Church, I felt and I knew I had God with me. I was involved

in every single thing that I could possibly be involved in within this Church. I

helped in the Nursery, I was in the Choir, I join

ed the Youth Group; I became a

Missionette; I couldn’t do enough and get involved enough. I knew I found God

and had God in my life from a very young age and I wanted to have God in my

life so much, that to me at that time as a child, a Church was the onl

y place I

could grow and learn to be closer to God. Now remember, I was only 8 to 11

years old, so I’m not saying that the only way to have God in your life is to go to

Church, it does help to go and go regularly, but at the time, it was my way of

trying

to absorb as much as I could because I couldn’t get enough. I can sit here

right now with my hand on a Bible, and swear to all that I’m one of the lucky

ones to have found God so young and I can’t do enough as a Mother to give this

gift to my own Children

, give them that feeling that’s higher than adrenaline

when you know you have God in your life; but then life got in the way, chaos

erupted, I started having doubts (never about God, just everyday life doubts)

and these doubts started getting in the way of

really truly finding and listening

to God and God’s plan for me.

Chapter 2

From the age of 11 to 19, I continued to go to Church when I could, we had

moved to Maine and lived pretty far out of town, but as soon as I got my Driver's

License at age 15 and

a car, I started driving into town when I could and go to

Church. Prior to getting my License, my parents were also holding Bible Study

groups with other Members of the Church so I would hang outside of the

window to listen in, listen to them read from th

e bible, and then listen to their

beliefs or opinions about what God wants. By the time I had my License, I was

not only driving myself to Church, but I also began driving my Memere to her

Church. She was Catholic and had moved in with us upon my Pepere’

s death,

and even though I was bringing her to a Catholic church, I never minded

bringing her and worshipping with her, because even though I was raised a

Protestant, I believed in my heart that we are all of One faith, Christianity, with

one true purpose,

to spread God’s word, so I actually enjoyed going with her to

Church and have great memories of it.

By age 19, I met Jason. Jason Allan Farris of Pittston, Maine. It was the end of

December of 1993. This is the beginning of my 20

year ‘nightmare’. I

was in

College and lived with other College roommates when he visited one of my

roommates one day. The second I saw him, as Jason was walking in the door, I

noticed him look at me with such an odd expression. Little did I know what

Jason was thinking th

at moment as he walked in that door, but I found out 3

months later, and it was 3 months after I met him that I knew it would take a

Miracle to ever truly leave him. By the end of only spending 3 weeks with Jason

and thinking he was the ‘One’ because he m

ade me feel that way, I agreed to

move to Texas with him. I agreed to up and leave my life as I knew it, which

included giving up an incredible dog who was also my best friend at the time,

but I agreed after only 3 weeks of knowing him that I should move

to Texas with

him. I was ignoring God, literally, I can’t even tell you if I said even one prayer

in that first 3 weeks of meeting Jason and what this really means to me. It’s

almost as if I left God for those first 3 weeks. So, I moved to Texas and it

was

around our 3

month mark of being together that I really started getting to know

who Jason really was and what I was dealing with. Here’s a man that screams at

me to get a job, stop being lazy and sitting around the apartment, get out there

and make so

me money because he is sick of paying all of our bills, but then I get

a job and he either gets me fired because of his own behavior at my work or

forces me to quit out of jealousy towards ‘male’ customers or co

workers. I went

through over 13 jobs from F

ebruary of 1994 until April of 1995 and all because of

Jason. Also, at the same time, this same man that screams and belittles me about

work just to get me fired or force me to quit, but this is the same man who is then

telling me that he looked at me str

ange or odd on that very first moment that he

met me 3 months ago because for him, ‘it was love at first sight’ and he knew he

would ‘never let me go’...

Chapter 3

I knew after 3 months of being with Jason, I knew that I needed to leave him but

I also knew

it would not be easy given the type of person I was dealing with.

Even though I was no longer holding true to my faith as I’ve always known it, I

wasn’t praying often at all or speaking to God, I was still somehow being shown

by God as to what I should do

. I need to add in here that I also believe that it

was during my early time with Jason that I left God, I allowed the chaos of life to

take over. I was, in essence, ignoring God, but want to know the incredible part,

God never left my side or I wouldn’t

be here today writing my story,

His

story.

After 3 months of being with Jason, I had this nagging feeling, not nagging in a

negative sense, it was more of a drive, something telling me to go and get away

from him, but I refused to listen and didn’t reall

y know what to do. I had doubts,

I doubted Jason really was that bad because when he was nice, he was so nice

and kind and sweet, but when his darkness came through, that’s when I could

see the clearest. Jason was becoming more dark then nice. I managed

to stay

with him in Texas until something happened that woke me up. I will admit that

I started drinking more, and Jason was drunk all the time to passing out, black

outs, or even to the point of still being so drunk in the morning that I had to

drive hi

m into work because it wasn’t safe for him to drive himself. It was

during these ‘drunken’ nights, which became far too often, that I really needed to

figure out how to leave him, but fear kept me there. I struggled with feelings of

fear of change, such

as what would I do once I leave, or fear of him, what will he

do once I leave, or just fear of the unknown of anything that would happen if I

leave so I began having doubts about leaving him until that night; my last night

in Texas.

On my last night in T

exas, in April of 1995, I was working and we only had one

vehicle so Jason and my brother, who only lived with us for a short time, agreed

to come and pick me up at 2AM when I got out of work. However, once they

showed up, I could see that both of them we

re falling down drunk. I asked to

drive, because my brother was driving and shouldn’t be, but Jason told me ‘no’,

told me to ‘shut up’, and to ‘get in the truck’. Riding in the middle of my brother

and Jason in this truck, panic was running through me as

I watched my brother

drive all over the road. I kept asking my brother to just let me drive as I was the

only sober person with Jason continuously screaming at me to ‘shut up’ and my

brother refusing to hand over the wheel. So, then I asked my brother n

icely to

pull over and let me out, that it was a nice night out and we weren’t far from the

apartment, so I can just walk the rest of the way. My brother pulled over, Jason

let me out while telling me he was going to 'kill me' for this, for ‘embarrassing

him’, and as I started to walk I could hear footsteps pounding on the pavement

behind me. I didn’t even get a chance to turn my head around to see who was

coming up behind me when I was suddenly on the ground. My face and part of

my forehead smashed into

the pavement and I had such an incredible amount of

weight on top of me that I couldn’t breathe. I could hear my brother screaming

in the background, almost as if he was quite a distance away, but I could hear

him screaming ‘she’s not worth it, leave her

alone’, when I suddenly felt the

weight lifted off of me, I could catch my breath but it was only momentarily

because then I felt a sharp pain right in my gut as Jason kicked me as hard as he

could with his steel

toed boots in my stomach which turned me o

ver to my back.

Then before I could catch my breath again, Jason is now on top of me, straddling

over me with his hands on my throat and squeezing my throat as hard as he

possibly could while all the while yelling insults and calling me a ‘whore’, ‘bitch’

‘slut’, ‘cunt’, and anything else he could think to call or insults he could yell at

me. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even fight back if I wanted too,

I couldn’t even talk, but I did look into his eyes and I looked at his face and I

atched his muscles. I saw darkness in his eyes, his face was bright red, he had

one particular vein popping out of his neck which seemed to pop out even more

the tighter he squeezed on my neck, I saw such anger in his jaw and in his eyes, I

saw how tight

his muscles were and how much tighter they got each time I felt

him squeeze my neck even tighter, and I saw pure hatred, anger, and rage

coming out of his very being. Jason wasn’t going to stop, he

was

going to kill me,

and I saw it screaming out of him.

My only saving grace as I felt my eyes closing

out of exhaustion or maybe it was by being put in a semi

conscious state by him

strangling me, but my only saving grace at that moment that I could no longer

hold my eyes open, was my brother pulling Jason of

f of me. Jason then ‘let’ me

walk, well more like stumble, the rest of the way home which was about 3 miles.

I will never forget this walk back to my apartment that I shared with Jason

because I prayed again for the first time in a long time...

Chapter 4

As soon as I got to my apartment, which did take me a while to get there given

that I stumbled and fell a few times on my way, but as soon as I got there, the

first thing I noticed was Jason passed out on the bed which meant I could make a

‘private’ phone

call. It was 3:30AM by this point and I’m tired, no I’m exhausted,

I’m beaten up and bloodied, and I have pains in places that I didn’t even know

had gotten hit but I was not going to bed, I’m going to make a call because

something is driving me too. I

called my Dad who is back in Maine, and as soon

as my Dad answers, he knows it’s me and he knows something is wrong without

me even being able to talk through the sobbing, so my Dad says ‘what do you

need baby?’, ‘need me to come get you?’, ‘are you ok?’ ‘

I love you’. My Dad

made a plan with me to leave and leave right there and then. With his strength

and encouragement, even 3000 miles away, I was able to pack everything into

my car and leave Texas, leave Jason, and did it by 4:00AM. Those feelings of

‘

fear’ and ‘doubt’ had left me while talking to my Dad and I just knew I could do

it and leave Jason. I can’t tell you that feeling of relief that I had as I was driving

on the Interstate, heading north, leaving Texas, leaving Jason, and driving

straight t

o my family and back to my life as I knew it. I cried and I thanked God.

My Dad had made arrangements earlier during our phone call for me to meet

him in New York State and I was so thankful that he had, even though I kept

trying to convince him that I

could drive all the way through to Maine myself,

but I ended up actually being so thankful that he insisted because I started to get

sick as I was driving and there was no way I was going to be able to drive all the

way to Maine alone. I had intense pain

in my stomach and started to throw up a

few times, but I did continue driving all the way, straight through, until I hit the

edge of New York and met my Dad. All my Dad did was look at me to know

what had just happened back in Texas, and then he gave me t

he biggest hug

anyone has ever given me, told me to go lay down because he had the bed down

and waiting for me. He had brought the Van with him just so I could lie down

once I made it to him and then he towed my car the rest of the way. I have no

memory

after hugging my Dad and then getting in the back of the Van to sleep

on the bed, I have no memory of the rest of the ride from New York to Maine. I

didn’t wake up even once, and then after getting home, I went to bed again

because I was just too weak to

stand and my stomach hurt, which I thought was

just from sheer exhaustion. My Mother kept coming into my room to check on

me, bringing me some food or something to drink, and delivering the numerous

phone messages from Jason but I didn’t or ‘couldn’t’ get

out of bed for a day and

a half. After being in bed for so long, almost 2 days, I tried to get up to go out to

the living room and spend some time with my family when I started bleeding

and bleeding heavily. It seemed almost as if blood was just pouring

out of me

and I was doubled over in pain so my Mom brought me to her Doctor’s office

where I learned I was in the middle of a miscarriage when I didn’t even know I

was pregnant, 8 weeks pregnant with Jason’s child. I went home, went back to

bed, and this

is where I stayed for another 4 days. I couldn’t pray at this point

because I was upset, I was angry, and I couldn’t believe that God would take this

baby from me, a baby I didn’t even know I was having, but I was upset that I

was losing this child. I w

as allowing my emotions and my doubts keep me from

God because I was honestly upset with God at that moment and maybe I need to

explain a little more and give some background about what ‘Motherhood’ means

to me in order to provide a better understanding as

to why I was so angry with

God, but the great news is God never left my side, I just didn’t know it...

Motherhood

Around the age of 16, I began having these pains in my back, and after rounds of

Doctor appointments and Medical tests, my Mother and I were t

old that I have a

form of kidney disease and that this kidney disease could actually prevent me

from either getting pregnant or carrying a baby to term safely. This, of course,

was devastating news to me even at the age of 16 because I was only 4 years ol

when I had the name picked out for my little girl, my precious daughter, so I

knew from an early age that I wanted to be a ‘Mother’ and now this Doctor is

telling me that it would take a Miracle for me to conceive and for me to even

carry a baby to term.

It was like someone took so much life out of me on that day

that this Doctor not only told me this but then insisted that my Mother put me on

birth control so that there’s no chance at ever getting pregnant, even though I

was a virgin for a couple more y

ears, but it was like a ‘kick

the

gut’ reminder

going on those birth control pills that I was never going to be a Mother. Then

and also, each time I got those pains in my back, my kidney acting up, it was

another ‘painful’ reminder that I was never goi

ng to be a Mother. I was quite

devastated if you can imagine, so then on the day that another Doctor tells me 5

years later that I am pregnant but miscarrying, I became beyond devastated and

was, for the first (and last) time ever in my life, I was angry

with God.

Once I finally healed from the miscarriage and was back to work, Jason came to

visit from Texas. He kept apologizing, saying he has changed, he is moving back

to Maine soon, and wants me to give him another chance. He was the ‘nice’

Jason aga

in, he repeatedly stated that he even quit drinking, and pleaded with

me to just try ‘us’ one more time. I ignored that ‘nagging’ feeling to get away

from him, I ignored it completely, and gave him another chance. Jason did move

back to Maine a few weeks

later, and he and I moved back in together again.

Things were going well for the first few weeks, but then after he got a job, he

started staying out late, started coming home drunk, started yelling at me again,

it was like everything started again. By

July of 1995, I started to get that nagging

feeling again that I needed to leave Jason, and I wasn’t necessarily ignoring it this

time. Something didn’t feel quite right, something was different, and something

was telling me to end my relationship with hi

m, but on the morning that I had

finally convinced Jason to leave and he was moving out that day, I did a

‘pregnancy’ test even though the odds of me being pregnant were slim to none, I

did the test. Little did I know that Jason was behind me and had foll

owed me

into the bathroom when I went in to read the results in private and he saw the

test that I had hidden in the counter and we both saw that I was ‘pregnant’ when

he said, ‘I’m not leaving’ and he didn’t.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t believe I was pregnant

, I couldn’t believe that God was

entrusting me with another child, and the biggest Miracle is I couldn’t believe I

conceived so easily. I was so floored by the ‘positive’ pregnancy test result that I

File Not Found

Enter Password